3/01/2006

Carnival Confessions



It happened this way.

For the first time in my twenty-four years in the universe I wanted to give it all up to be with her. Just to be with her and this would be all well and wonderful if I knew… if I knew but I’m not too sure. I’m just not too sure.

It happened this way.

Carnival week, me, getting into my music and everything was fine. I had planned since the beginning of the year that if I didn’t take vacation round carnival I’d just laze around anyways with a stack of dvds, some snacks and a book. Or two. Or maybe I’d finally pick up my regulations booklet and learn/memorise for the exam anyways.

What I hadn’t planned on was to wake up with this pain in my heart because “she” was not with me. Or rather “she” would not be with me. She’d be playing mas in the streets and I’d… I’d be doing the above.

Everything, everything I would’ve given up to be with her. There I said it out to the universe. I felt like I could give up every living belief I knew/trusted/walked with to be with her.

Pray that that feeling never overtakes you.
That feeling of lack-of-oxygen because you can’t be with the one you… love.
Love? I can’t even be sure that it’s the same with her and I’m bidding my time, holding my tongue and hoping against hope that when I do open my mouth it will be right.

It happened this way.
It was Carnival Saturday evening. I’m at the grocery getting my vitals. Now usually, if I don’t have a car I’d just pay a taxi to take me back home – give him a lil $45/$50 ya know. Saturday however, the cars were… otherwise antisocial and I cursed. Used words I claim don’t exist. When I did get one, a maxi impatiently honked at us and I cursed more. My chest was ready to burst and at that moment how I wished I knew a spell to cast on the damn maxi conductor for aggravating me more.

It happened this way and I wonder if this falling has to do with a girl or if the girl has to do with the falling. Same difference really but it scared me… it scares me how far I’ve come (or gone for that matter).

It happened this way that this morning I wake with a joy in my soul, hear a news report (fight in Poison's Band) get scared, sent her a text (tell me you’re ok tell me you’re safe), get no response and decide F-DAT! Till she walks in, tired but safe and says she didn’t play with Poison (switched Sunday night to another band) and I’m like “Thank you God”

It happened this way… tears in my eyes and I still don’t know what happened.

Bye

Bless

Tracy j h

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